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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didnβt you
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: itβs ok, Iβm a patient
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
The Struggle
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My life in a nutshell
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Therapist: whatβs your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Please donβt ride with me if youβre gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
Youβll make me nervous.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.