You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf