DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
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Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood