age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
12. I think about this all the damn time
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice