[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Isn’t
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Tremendous stuff
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.