[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*