[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Thursday Thought.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.