The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.