You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
*checks Timeline*…
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?