I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
dictator is short for richard potato
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.