Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊