landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Lol.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”