A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
My background check bounced.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”