We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Fluff me with a fork baby
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.