terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.