the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Born to be mild.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
You wish you had this many chins.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me