If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*