I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You Might Also Like
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.