Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You Might Also Like
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Have kids, they said
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂