[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink