When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
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Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.