By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
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Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“what that mouth do?” complain
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.