You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
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I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife