*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Favourite diary entry ever
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes