I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
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Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Pretty much. 🤣
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house