me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.