Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
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Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken