HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
house sitting!
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea