everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.