Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate