Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
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I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH