I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
getting groceries
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.