MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.