I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder