A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
What about a To-Don’t List?
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.