My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
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“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
True statement👍😏😁
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Don’t touch that.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Cake!!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”