Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
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It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
“No way.” -Jose
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.