I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
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My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Every work meeting this week
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.