‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
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Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
My work here is done
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?