I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)