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I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro