Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I need a headline like this
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Every. Damn. Time.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag