If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
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[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
So true for me
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
What kind of a cult is this?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.