Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
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In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.