Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”