Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I feel attacked.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.