Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My god she’s good.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.