“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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When someone says you are so lazy
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
set yourself free xox
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Florida be like…
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon