OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Every time my phone rings
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.