My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.